I watched a short video recently on Facebook that got me thinking. It was about this guy who was ranting on about stay away dads moaning about child welfare payments and how their baby Momma’s were spending their money. I agreed with every word the guy said but that was because I could relate. Back in the late 80’s my wife left me for this other guy leaving our two children behind. Now truthfully, when she told me she leaving I said she couldn’t take the kids and she agreed. I don’t know what she told the kids, probably that she wanted to take them with her but couldn’t but the truth of the matter was that there was no room where she was moving to for them, and she was well aware of the fact.
I kept a roof over our heads, kept the family together and kept a full time job going so we could survive. Was it hard? Damn right it was hard, looking after two children who missed their Mum, was never going to be easy. Did their Mum help out with money? At times, yes but not all the time and this was how I could relate to what the guy in the video was saying. Did I make mistakes? Of course I did but I never stopped trying to do the best for them.
In later years, the children have had a better relationship with their Mum, which was something I always encouraged, at least I hope I did. I never wanted them to hate her, I had ill feelings towards her, who wouldn’t? She left me for another guy, that I could forgive, eventually, what was hard was the fact of how much debt she left me in knowing I would be looking after our kids. That hurt and I went into depression thinking about it.
I tried to put all this behind me and I actually have an okay relationship with her. I’m glad the kids see her I truly am but what has left me thinking is that their relationship with her now seems to be better than what we have. They travel to see her, they spend time with her, they ask her if her health is okay, but none of that for me. I recently had a bout of the flu which turned into a chest infection and I was off work for a week. Not once have they phoned to see how I am feeling. The only contact I have had is when they want something from, me. This is standard practise for kids you will say, but these are full grown adults with kids of their own. This is not the first time it has happened either. I realised that in their view point I could be the bad guy. I kept them from their mum and made them live with me. It makes a kind of sense but I don’t know if that’s how they feel but it explains a lot. This new perspective has given me something more to think about. How do I go about changing things, should I change things? If I’m right then no matter how I try to tell my point of view they will have made up their own minds. I have no doubt they love me, that is not the issue, it’s never been the issue. Ever since our family got fractured I considered myself to be the one doing the right thing by the kids, never once did it occur to me that they would think otherwise. There’s not much I can do about it now, what’s done is done and we have a relationship that works. Do I wish it was better? Of course, who wouldn’t want a better relationship with their kids. Is it perfect, far from it but it’s also miles away from being dysfunctional. We have had our problems but we will survive but now I’m looking at things from a different view point so maybe I can understand them a little better now, so that’s good right?